\Te`di*os"i*ty\

So my sister's just text me to tell me she's had a girlfriend since May.

She can't let me have anything!

This could well be the straw for the proverbial camel - aka, our mother. Well, I'm not risking death rays, she can tell her herself. No doubt she'll have caught it from me. I caught it myself in the first place, you see, it was my own fault for exposing myself to it. 'What's that? You're happy? No no no, you're DISEASED, you can't be happy. We'll get you the appropriate treatment'. No ta parentals, I'll just fuck off to uni if it's all the same with you. And now Sibling has done the very same. 'We got drunk, kissed, freaked out, then kissed some more, stopped freaking out...'. Ahh, deja vu.

You couldn't script it.

Goodness gracious me, I'm at work and I'm drunk.

I had 3 bottles of wine and nothing to eat.

This morning I woke up in a nest of my sheets, having torn them from my bed during the night and curled up on top of the pile. I have no recollection of doing this, I'm just making an assumption.

Prim Lithe Flatmate was in the shower for ages, just for a change, shaving her legs like she does everyday. I decided to make a tent out of my dressing gown, towels, and the hoover. This worked remarkedly well and I especially enojyed barking "AT LAST!" when she eventually emerged in her obscenely short towel. Ooh, look at my thin legs, look at me, I run. Whatever, I'm in a tent!

I bumped into my dignified supervisory-status colleague on the way into the building. She commented on the horrible rain that I hadn't actually noticed until then. As she was talking to me I veered into a bin. Then I veered in the direction of the greasy cafe.

Scoffage of sausage and bacon and brown sauce and bread.

Forgot an important password thus rendering me incapable of work for, ooh, I'd say 10 minutes.

Catnap.

Peppermint tea.

After I click save, I'm going to create a sign to stick on my back for students to read before I turn around to greet them. This will merely say 'Danger: Headache. Do not ask stupid questions, or I may snarl at you'. Alternatively, I may hide under the reception.

Ooh the post is here. Payslips!

Stolen from bloglikesit, muhahahaha

How many have you done before???

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[ ] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then
people gave you weird looks.
So far: 4

[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[ ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[x] You have tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.
[x] You just tried to sing them.
So far: 8

[x] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.
[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You've never seen the Matrix.
[ ] You type only with two fingers.
So far: 10

[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.
[x] You've fallen asleep in class
[ ] If someone says "fart" you laugh.
So far: 13

[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about
[ ] People are often shaking their heads and walk away from you
[ ] You are often told to use your "inside voice".
[x] You use your fingers to do simple math.
So far: 15

[x] You have eaten a bug
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and
didn't realize it
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand
So far: 18

[ ] You forward *those* emails because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[ ] You break a lot of things
So far: 18

[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you
[ ] You tilt your head when you're confused
[x]You have fallen out of your chair before
So far: 19

[x]When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the
texture of the ceiling
[x]The word "umm" is used many times a day.
So far: 21

total : 21

Ohhh dear.

...THAT I DON'T WARRANT A SINGLE PROFILE TAG?!

...so, naturally, that means I shall spend the rest of the evening drinking, with my feet propped up on the neglected exercise bike for stability, given the rickety nature of my chair, whilst eating cadbury's heroes, already layered in the box according to preference (still can't decide if the procedure for that is favourites at the top or the bottom. Maybe I should shake up the box and introduce an element of tension and excitement into my evening. It is an hour until the Dancing On Ice results, after all).

I do like being home. Dad buys an awful lot of a well known brand of rose wine that tastes a lot like strawberries. I can get through quite a bit in an evening, with my trusty tray of ice cubes melting by my side. Mum just came in to offer me a bacardi based alcopop which "I haven't drank since I was about 14, thanks anyway". Bless.

Says a lot for my social life that I have to go to my parents house to get pissed.

Occured to me after I got in the house that I hadn't told them I had my tongue repierced three weeks ago. Felt the ideal moment was immediately after mum mentioned she'd seen an old friend whose daughter had gotten a tattoo recently, to which mum had gloatingly responded that "sapped had gone through a weird phase of getting metal things stuck in her face, but she's grown out of that now". I promptly stuck out my tongue. Ahahahaha.

Coming home always means post. I had two Dylan Moran live DVDs, a phone bill (high. Can I fathom out Orange's bills? Could a fish use a pedalo?), a lesbian arts and literature magazine (same as always - reviews for things I'll never read, ads for civil partnership services, 'Certified Muff Diver' t-shirts), a Dorothy Perkins storecard that mum has already paid off (phew), and a letter from Intellingent Finance addressed to Sapped and Ex-Girlfriend about the exciting new interest-rate levels on our savings jar, 'FLAT DEPOSIT'. She said she would close that account. I took all the money out of it to pay rent on my flat in Hull with the promise I'd pay her back half of it. That was in September. Nobody understands why I still want to pay it back despite me finding out about Kooky Eighteen-Year Old Bit Of Stuff shortly afterwards. If I don't, it makes me feel like it worked as a kind of pay-off. Compensation. If I do pay it, that means handing over a large some of money that I don't have, possibly about nine months after I borrowed it, and possibly funding their own flat deposit, and I REFUSE to be understanding and generous like that, it's not in my nature.

I still need to go though her stuff, and soon. I got as far as standing on a stool to look on top of my wardrobe. Then I saw the box containing the diamond bracelet she bought me for my 21st birthday. Swift de-clambering and consumption of biscuits ensued. Better than vodka and razors I suppose.

If my own depression isn't enough to deal with, now the goldfish are at it. All the gravel-hoovering, bloodworm, revitalising tonics, beneficial bacteria and general disease remedies I can muster are having disappointing results. Maddy is off her food and hanging around at the back of the tank. If I say hi, or wave their favourite brightly coloured Chinese takeaway menu at them, she actually turns her back on me! Juliet is turning into a spiteful teenager, trapping Alan in the flowerpot, nipping at him whilst patrolling the entrance, and stealing food, which, when you think about it, is the only commodity any of them have. Alan, the poor thing, looks so desperate and harrassed that I'm thinking of getting him his own tank. He lives with an unstable teenager and a moody uncommunicative wife. In our world, I could give Maddy some St John's Wort, stop Juliet's allowance so she can't afford to smoke, and send Alan somewhere calm and relaxing, like a garden shed, or perhaps fishing. I shall monitor the situation closely, recommending counselling where appropriate. I've left them alone for the weekend, so perhaps the lack of food will bring them closer together. A bond will form whilst they scavenge amongst the gravel for last night's scraps. I live in hope.

Any other comments?:

If it was not for the Fund and the prompt support from the newly structured and dignified Fund support workers, I think my degree would've crumbled further into the abyss I was encountering.

Good wishes to the dedicated Fund team....

That's more like it. Warm glows all round. Embezzling nazis don't glow.

Grasp letter opener, rip rip, unfold, read:

Do u consider yourself to have a disability?: Does poverty qualify?

Please circle the appropriate response where 6 indicates 'very satisfied' and 1 'not satisfied':
1 1 1 1 1 1 1 BY DEFAULT

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU OFFEND ON THE WAY UP, YOU MIGHT MEET THEM ON THE WAY DOWN!

If you recieved an award from the Fund, has this made a positive impact on the continuation of your course?: Polar opposite!

If you were unsuccessful, did u appeal?: Yes - and the facist's turned me down again, I wouldnt be surprised if your staff were embezzling from the fund, you gave me an award the first year. inconsistent. diagnosis = skint + dissatisfied. *large sad face*

Thank you for your help: NO, THANK YOU! charity begins at home! NAZI'S!

Tsk. Some people are never satisfied.
And there is no need for the apostrophe in facists or nazis. However, wouldn't does require one. 
Moron.
I've figured out who this person is and my boss will not allow me to formulate a carefully worded response. This would apparently invalidate the anonymous nature of the questionnaire. I wish only to invite the cocksucker to come and say it to our faces.
Musn't upset the students. They might leave and go to Leeds.

I was going to produce a predictable moan about today, but didn't think it was particularly worth it.

Quite like these though. You get the idea.

About 4.30am last night (or, this morning) I remembered something she did for me about two years ago which I have to write down incase I forget it again. Whilst waiting for the taxi to take us to the train station for one of those awful goodbyes, she disappeared upstairs for twenty minutes and banned me from going in my room until I got back. She had put about thirty coloured in and cut-out paw prints up my wall and across my ceiling, stopping above my bed, where she then put glow in the dark letters spelling out I LOVE YOU. Stupidest, silliest, dearest thing anyone had ever done for me. I can't believe I had forgot. All those paw prints and the letters are jumbled amongst all the stuff on the wardrobe I haven't been through yet. Glad I've remembered they're there before I found them. I must do it all this week as I'm planning to go to my parents' at the weekend and want to take it back with me to hide there.

I saw Blood Diamond on friday night. Despite his dubious accent, Leo is hot. Hot hot hot. Oh, and it's a very harrowing film too. But ooh, he's lovely.

I watched The Day After Tomorrow last night. This was purely for its important ecological message. Not Jake Gyllenhaal. Ooh and he presented a Bafta and looked fiiiiiine.

What the hell's the matter with me? Ah, the fluidity of sexuality. I think I like boys when I'm pissed off with a girl, any girl. Like all my flatmates. None of them seem very familiar with the concept of cleaning lately. Never mind, sapped will do it, let's buy her a creme egg to say thanks for mopping again. Missing the point slightly folks.

I've applied for a job in Manchester. It starts in September, a graduate trainee thing. I'm slightly concerned as I emailed the application back but I'm not entirely sure it was the correct address, given that I chose it at random off the HR page. I also asked them to confirm they had been able to open it properly and I've had no reply. Oh well. New life in Manchester over before it had even begun. I don't really want to move there, but I don't really want to live here, and I have to live somewhere. I don't want to live with two poofs, I bet they hog the bathroom. Plus I'm very concerned about the logistics of moving three goldfish half way across the country. They would get very distressed. 

I've just been told I'm a genius for managing to print off a sheet of labels with the address centred in each one. I really, really need a new job.

I'm in an foul mood.

The open day on saturday was the biggest waste of time imaginable. I couldn't give a damn about prospective students. All they wanted to know about was finance, so where were student financial services? Apparently, they don't attend open days. Morons. Don't worry, student welfare will be happy to answer all your stupid questions! More to the point, sapped will! She's just the alcoholic that hates students, she won't mind! She will answer your questions without being on the verge of announcing that your utter stupidity invalidates your conditional offer and that you are to leave the premises immediately! In addition, the complimentary refreshments were shit.

I'm not convinced that turning up without having been to bed, still wobbling from the two bottles consumed the night before, was the best preparation I could've made for a welcoming event such as this.

Following this pointless waste of a lie in, I had my tongue pierced. Oh my darling, how I have missed thee! I first had it done this time 3 years ago and could only drool and slurp custard for a week. This time I am counteracting the swelling with a double dose of extra strong ibuprofen every 4 hours, and ice cream, and all is well. My tongue having healed rather well from the last time, I was able to have it done through the scar tissue, having been assured that all I would feel is "a little extra tugging". I don't care! Get that anasthetic away from me, get me on a table, get me clamped, get that bar in! No pain. Love it. Fantastic. High as a kite afterwards, despite not being able to talk (lots of squealing and muffled exclamations of "FOOKIN YESSS!"). Still get excited when I think about it. Put an injection near me and I'll punch you. Stick a large shiny thing through part of me and I'll want to do things to you. Especially if your name is Paul and you have sexy hair and a nice lip piercing and recognise me from coming in 2 years before. Hmm, what next what next...nose?

Sunday, I was depressed, and scratched myself a lot. I freaked out until about 1am. I know I have friends, those who sit with me, and those who call. But I still feel utterly alone, all the time.

Since last monday I have drank 51.5 units of alcohol. All white wine, bar one can of shockingly disgusting lager. This may not seem a lot to some people, but I wonder what my old dietician would make of this.

This morning I woke up as normal at 7am but I couldn't get up. 8am came and went, and I still couldn't get up. The blankets were heavy and everything seemed so daunting and overwhelming. 8.45am I rang work to explain an incident with an unreliable Spanish alarm clock (this is actually true, but happened last night when I borrowed it). I made it into work for 10am but not without a few more scratches on my wrist. When I arrived I was told I was going to be doing most of the student interviews from now on - 4 times the amount I currently do. I despise doing them. I don't want to speak to anyone for the rest of the day. I don't think I could physically care less about this job anymore.
 
If no-one comes to the pub with me tonight I'll go crazy.

...and what I really want to know is...

...what's all the fuss about?

JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST JULY 21ST

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

A WEEK AFTER FILM 5!

WHO WILL DIE!?

WHO WILL BECOME A TEACHER!?

WHY HASN'T MUGGLENET.COM GOT THE DESKTOP COUNTDOWN POSTED YET? THEY'VE HAD 39 MINUTES!

I! SHOULDN'T! BE! SO! EXCITED! I! AM! SO! SAD!

One month into 2007, let's take a look at last month's resolutions:

1) Start drinking decent coffee
Ok, I've never liked coffee. Adore the smell, but it tastes vile. It tastes of burnt things. However, due to an erroneous incident in a well known world-consuming coffee shop chain, I was served a peppermint mocha (and no matter how many tones I say it in it still doesn't sound like "can I have tall hot chocolate with peppermint please"). This beverage is consumable. Quite nice actually. I've since moved on to peppermint free ones made my own special way, particularly when hungover at work (sachet of hot chocolate + single serving sachet of instant coffee + two sugars + whole milk + a biscuit + sausage and bacon roll with lots of brown sauce + a short spell in a dark room or cupboard = a reasonably functional sapped). However, this seems to be as far as it goes. It's extremely unlikely I'll ever drink something even remotely labelled as 'decent coffee', especially if I keep getting it from Star-behemoth.

2) Start drinking decent red wine
Haven't touched a drop. I've even all but stopped drinking rosé (apart from that bottle last saturday). Make it white, make it cheap, preferably make it chilled. If it can't be chilled, give me a pint of soda and ice to slosh in at regular intervals. Make this happen at regular occasions throughout the week. I no longer have delusions of civility and sobriety. I'd like to get drunk instead.

3) Therapy
Now, I had dismissed this as silly, but after tuesday night's mammoth drinking session on upstairs flatmate's bed, I may consider it again. It helped one of them immensely. The othe recommended hypnotherapy to help with various other issues. I'm glad I'm not the only screwed up person in our flats. I'll revisit this one...

4) Stop falling in love with a man after a single conversation just because I'm desperate to get over an ex girlfriend and lead a normal life.
Done this one! Easy! Something inside me was telling me I had to try and choose a direction. Why in the name of a higher deity would I choose men? Girls are so FIT! I am now secure in my officially gay status and only occasionally refer to the list of five men I legitimately fancy, because this is allowed.

5) Oh, and learn to drive. Again. So that I can meet him at weekends.
Him? Him?! I scoff at my delusions! I need to learn to drive again in order to get a life, not visit men! However, I shouldn't need many lessons. I can put this one off until the weather gets better and the evenings are lighter (girly in learning, potentially aggressive when free on the roads).

1 out of 5 ain't bad.