\Te`di*os"i*ty\

Office ladies, as riveting as your conversations are (dieting, French camping trips and wormeries), please shut up, you're ruining my fourth biscuit.

I've just submitted a report to the boss containing all the comments made by students accessing our services. This included the 'embezzling nazis' comment. Joy of joys he will be showing it to someone who decides on funding next year.

FECKING DO IT YOURSELF THEN.

Time for biscuit number five me thinks. I also feel that today's lunch needs to include gravy.

I'm tired and grumpy and I want to go home, NOW. I've snapped at 3 people who haven't done anything wrong, aside from talk about dieting and weigh-ins - again. I've lost something on eBay. I've got to wear my glasses as the optician mistakenly provided me with two shards of glass instead of contact lenses. My hair hasn't curled right. I forgot to brush my teeth so now all I taste is toast. Sibling is in trouble after punching a barmaid and decided to tell me about it at 4am, and then 4.30am. I'm really very grumpy indeed.

There's me: *me*
And then there's other stuff: * stuff like a career you don't mind doing and decent wage and somewhere nice to live and council tax and things that actually matter*
And then there's the chasm: *me* [         CHASM          ] *grown up stuff*

Feeling very quiet today. Not much to say.

I think this may have a direct correlation with my work levels. Today, I have been busy. Scary stuff. I'm exhausted!

I like this

That was Friday. Until Monday, adieu.

Yeuch.

Last night I had a dream about arguing with my parents. They'd changed their minds about being ok about the 'girl liking thing' (not that they ever were), and wanted me to find a husband. So, I married Eddie Izzard, but they didn't like that, because we wore matching dresses on our wedding day. Transvestites apparently a no go area. Worryingly, when I woke up this morning, I almost text my mother this. Probably wouldn't have been a good idea.

I really want to marry Eddie Izzard.

The delightful feesh in their pretty tank.

Curses for the poor video quality on my phone.

I'm sure everyone's day has been enriched by that.

Work is slow!

It's Wednesday!

That means tomorrow is Thursday, then it's Friday, then it's SATURDAY! THE WEEKEND!

I have lemon, ginger and mango tea, and it's WEDNESDAY!

Joy indeed.

I've just seen a girl in the corridor who I saw at Pets at Home - she buying a goldfish, me buying a goldfish tank. So fit. And clearly we'd last forever as she liked fish! Shame she was buying the fish with her girlfriend.

Sigh. Where do these people meet?

Unable to think of a title, I shall pilfer from Smack the Pony.

In the 4 hours of sleep my brain blessed me with last night I had some rather strange dreams. One was based around me collecting a serialised 'collect one each week' magazine aimed at swingers and fans of orgys. Lots of suggestions, hints and tips. Quite an interesting read. All the men in the magazine were black. I'm not entirely sure why.

I'm surprised I didn't dream about car crashes. The Cutting Edge programme on the A46 was quite hard to watch. I travel down that road all the time, as do my dad and sister. I hate it. I remembered so many names and faces in the programme from the local news from over the years. If you hear the words 'road crash in Lincolnshire' on the news it's probably going to be on that stretch. I know someone I know will be in an accident on there one day, and if she doesn't stop using it as a race track, it'll be my sister.

K's goddamn leaving do has finally come and gone this afternoon. I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that it was a roaring success, if you can count 35 attendees as roaring (although he seemed jolly enough). Not a value loaf in site, and lots of left over chicken wings and pizza for me to steal. Marvellous!

It's too muggy. I want it to storm. I'm terrified of thunder and lightning but it might clear the air. I'm fed up of waking up at 2am and having to throw all bedding and pyjamas to the other side of the roomand throw open the window. Being at work is so stifling, especially as we're above kitchen (who still haven't fixed the toaster, so still no teacakes). Perhaps I'll plead heatstroke tomorrow so I can stay at home and dye my hair.
...
I don't know whose idea it was to turn a fan facing my desk on full blast. Now my papers are all over the floor. I'm glad I'm currently alone.

...check out my Tank of Glory. It even has a light, but the fishes don't like it. They dive in the plant pot. It's funny to flick it on just to see them do that.

Well I've no rent to pay next month so I may as well spend £70 ensuring the goldfish have a suitably palatial residence.

Plus I've just been informed that I'll be getting another fish for my birthday. Oh, go on then, if you insist!

"Your shriek was definitely the best thing about that meeting."

I like to think it was, too.

I've now mastered 'Advanced' Excel (=IF(A2<500,"A",IF(A2<1000,"B","C")). So ner.) I sat at the back of the room, couldn't read the whiteboard, and couldn't hear the babbling Excel witch, therefore could legitimately ignore her whilst using her login details to abuse my access rights. Couldn't find anything on her though, alas.

Along the Staff Development line, the continued utter ridiculousness of this institution can be demonstrated thus:

The Staff Development Team would like to invite clerical/secretarial staff to participate in a new event - 'Café to Go'

...an exciting opportunity for you to meet other secretarial/clerical colleagues...

How does it work?

Participants will be greeted on arrival with a cup of tea or coffee, and asked to take a seat at one of the café style tables. Each table will be marked with a different topic for discussion, which will be based around Staff Development issues at the University.

Participants will be asked to engage in discussions around the topic for 15-20 minutes, with feedback (key points, ideas, images) written on the tablecloth, before moving on to a new topic...

...We can accommodate up to 20-30 participants, so book early!

So...Staff Development/speed dating for secretaries, in which they are encouraged to talk to other secretaries about more Staff Development, and deface a tablecloth while they're at it. Only 20-30 places available folks!

...they usually do.

Easter eggs taste better when they are half price. However, the accompanying bars are boring and should be kept in the fridge for when you are desperate, or when it's 8.30pm, the time things like Location Location Location start on TV, which are really boring too.

Leading on from that, Aeros are now really really small. It upset me. Aero eggs don't taste of much. The new Aero Bubbles ad is ridiculous.

Fat Boy Slim's video for Weapon of Choice is still excellent and should be youtubed at once. I advise you dance along with Mr Walken.

Leave your online grocery shopping long enough, and Tesco will send you money off vouchers, thus meaning you can buy loads of stuff, and leave it months before you use the service again, and they'll send you more vouchers. It's marvellous.

And the view over the humber bridge isn't always so bad.

Clearly a busy afternoon university-wide. God bless office humour. I have already done 5 point dare number 9. Not exactly a 'male colleague' though - more 'male Head of All Student Support Services deity'.

Feeling bored in the office? Surely not.
Want to try something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate an
Office dare system - however to do it properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on..........

ONE POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time)
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
head.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmmmmmm that feels sooooo good!".
7) Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double
barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise you voice)
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight)
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself)
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob"
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really need to do a
Number two".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - as in "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this one up for an hour.
6) While an office mate is out, hide their chair.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my
witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a male colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say "I can't talk about it".
13) Posing as a maitre'd, call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk for 10 mins.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit - smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair
towards the door.
19) In the subject field for all your emails, write "FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS"

Karaoke night in the Student's Union. Bottle, and further glass, of wine, and one singular vodka. Lots of singing and swaying along to, in retrospect, frickin awful impersonations of Nickelback, Abba and Whitney. Removed bag and coat on the way home and left in the street, thankfully retrieved by Flatmate V. Also put to bed by her. Again.

Today I have a green bruise in the middle of my forehead, which I now recall was my own fault, not that of the security guy who threw a ball of paper at me. My elbow may have slipped, and my unsupported head may have been introduced to the table.

I'm not convinced stumbling into the hallway this morning and declaring "I've decided to go to work at 10am today" and going back to bed was the action of an entirely sober being. I made it in for about 10.20, just as my only appointment of the day was arriving, also late. Curses, if only I'd taken even longer choosing socks.

Breakfast today has consisted of a square of chocolate from the pile hidden under the used enveloped in my top drawer, and a hob nob. Porridge, almost.

Now it's time for dinner. I want chips. My head hurts *sob*

My work colleague has just rushed through from the other office with a piece of paper, waving it madly, desperate to show me it. It was a print out of this.

We work hard. We play hard.

Dear SAPPED,

We're getting in touch to let you know that all or part of your recent order from hmv.co.uk has been cancelled:

Order no: ### Order date: 29th December 2006

1 DVD TV COMEDY; DYLAN MORAN: BILL B BLACK BOOKS: SERIES 1/2/3: 3DV GBP 13.99

As stated on the HMV web site, campaign and special offer items are available in limited quantities, and subject to availability. We regret to inform you that the item's above have now sold out, and we are therefore unable to supply them to you.

Please accept our apologies for any disappointment caused. Items often appear in campaigns throughout the year, so please keep checking the web site for future offers.

Regards,
Customer Service Department
hmv.co.uk

That's fine. No really, it's fine. I don't even remember 29th December, that's how long ago I ordered it from you. So it's fine, really. Plus, I got it way cheaper on eBay a long time ago.

Twats.

I count two of the worst places to live as home.

But at least we're better than Berkshire. Har har.

-------

And I've just noticed that Ex lives in one of the best places in the country, and lordy I must hasten to heartily disagree!

Dong - My bargainous Eddie Izzard boxset arrived yesterday. Now I don't have to look at chrisglos's page to cop an eyeful of the sexie bastard, AND I can justify having a small wee of mirth on the sofa.

Dong - Pub quiz last night was very successful - 43/60, 4th overall - my personal contributions being squealing "the owl and the pussycat!!!" and recognising the intro to a song on Toploader's album. Floating Away in the Bathtub, if you want to know. Climbing over the gate at the back of the campus to go home was not so successful, due to the flimsy nature of my shoes and the sharp, metallic nature of the gate - nice green bruise this morning. And I didn't even manage to get over. I like trainers and the sturdy wooden fence =(

Dong - the frickin toaster is still broken, and I still haven't had a frickin teacake, or breakfast, for 3 days. I don't WANT to get up 5 minutes earlier to eat my own food.

Dong - I've just realised I'm writing 'dong' over and over again, and it's making me giggle.

And the right to abuse this right, it would seem.

The news has upset me.

There was a small moment of panic here while checking none of our students were on exchange or work placements in Virginia. Thankfully not.

...I'm stealing the film meme!

I am fully aware that I'm the last to do so but lunch is boring so ner.

1. Name a film you have seen more than 10 times.
A Life Less Ordinary. Alice in Wonderland.

2. Name a Film you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

3. Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Johnny Depp. Edward Norton.

4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to see a movie.
Brendan Fraser. Sandra Bullock.

5. Name a Film you can and do quote from.
Harry Potters. Shaun of the Dead. Numerous.

6. Name a Film musical in which you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.
Hmm tricky. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but I despise them all. The filmed stage performance of Les Miserables allows for excellent booming impersonations.

7. Name a Film you have been known to sing along with.
Any with a song I know. Alice in Wonderland. Every word.

8. Name a Film you would recommend everyone see.
The Departed as Leo is getting so hot in his old age. Thus also Blood Diamond. Both are very good though.

9. Name a Film you own.
You want me to pick ANY? *mentally scans collection*  Enemy at the Gate.

10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
The Rock(!)

11. Have you ever seen a Film in a drive-in?
Nope.

12. Ever made out in a movie?
Yes but I prefer to watch the film and get annoyed when other people do it in front of me.

13. Name a Film you keep meaning to see but you just haven’t gotten around to yet.
Hot Frickin Fuzz

14. Ever walked out of a Film?
Nearly, but the price of the tickets these days...you need to get your money's worth. The Holiday was pretty dire.

15. Name a Film that made you cry in the theatre.
80% of them

16. Popcorn?
No. Makes me thirsty. Then I need a drink. Then I need a wee.

17. How often do you go to the cinema
Once a month maybe.

18. What’s the last Film you saw in the theatre?
Oh my god...it was Premonition. Ex Ex has a crush on her, it wasn't my choice!

19. What’s your favourite/preferred genre of film?
Lately, I do rather like action/thriller types

20. What’s the first Film you remember seeing in the theatre?
Jungle Book

21. What Film do you wish you had never seen
The Holiday. I want my £5 back. At the time, I was indifferent to it, didn't like it, but didn't hate it. Now I miss those few hours.

22. What is the weirdest Film you enjoyed?
Something my flatmate sent me from her phone. No actual films come to mind!

23. What is the scariest Film you’ve seen?
Saw, because it was dark and I was on my own, and I hate that puppet thing.

24. What is the funniest film you have ever seen?
South Park Bigger Longer Uncut, Napolean Dynamite, Shaun of the Dead. All very funny for different reasons.

25. Name a film you love but havn't seen in ages.
The Little Mermaid. Or Donnie Darko.

In 20 minutes time I have to go and become the Queen of Advanced Excel, a prospect I am not happy about.

The canteen downstairs has ran out of teacakes, and the toaster, which blew up three weeks ago, is yet to be fixed.

These two seperate events make for an unhappy morning. They combine to result in being hungry in an Advanced Excel class, silent save for the clicking and clacking of formulae-loving freaks, and the complaints from my unsatisfied stomach.

And so far, 5 people have asked me when they will get their Student Loan through.

I. Don't. Know. Sob.

On the plus side, Maximo Park - Our Velocity has just come on.

A string of numbers hit a screen
And I'm expected to know what they mean

But it's highly unlikely that I will =)

*WARNING* *HARRY POTTER STUFF* *DO NOT MOCK BECAUSE THAT IS EVEN MORE BORING AND REPETITIVE THAN HOWEVER BORING AND REPETITIVE YOU IMAGINE HP TO BE*

In addition to the pub lunch, 90 ethnic origin codes I've had to enter, and the 1GB PC memory upgrade (pure sex) that has constituted 'today', excessive HP related conversation has taken place.

So for my own records I am making a permanent note of what myself and workmate B expect to happen in The Deathly Hallows. It is also to prove it to her significant other.

Many online theorists have decided that Harry is a Horcrux.

This will be so.

Voldemort is becoming so strong because of Harry's mental and physical prowess, which has been obtained from the disgusting amount of food eaten by these children on a daily basis. Hogwarts is, in fact, a Fat Kid Boot Camp. But that's something for Book 8.

Harry's mental and physical prowess (phwoar) sustains the Dark Lord. As dictated by the prophecy, one must kill the other.

As Harry destroys all of Voldemort's other Horcruxes (cruxi?) Harry will become Voldemort's sole life force, throbbing, pulsating, oozing life wherever he goes (phwoarrrr).

Voldemort will kill Harry, and because Harry is what is keeping Voldemort alive, the Dark Lord will perish ('or will he?' yada yada).

Neville will also find a boyfriend.

And that is what happens in Book 7. Signed, me and B.

Making the most of the natural break in the working day that occurs 12.30-13.30, or 'lunch hour', I decided to go buy a smoothie.

I found a Daily Detox PJ Smoothie. Not as funky as the Innocent bottles, but cheaper. Sold. Reading the ingredients, I see it contains 1/4 crushed Dragon Fruit.

A what now?

One of these:

I'm not sure as to the purpose of the Vietnamese baby (with really cool hair). Perhaps it serves as a size comparison. Perhaps it is a comforter. Perhaps it is this child's favourite toy - or, indeed, its only toy. Perhaps the only purpose of this photo is to make me snort with laughter while downing the smoothie that facilitated its discovery. Just thought I'd share the joy it brought me on this quiet afternoon.

Emails from Facebook: 11
Emails from big boss: 2
Emails from students: 1
Emails I am ignoring: 3

Elastic bands procured for elastic band ball: 2
Elastic bands added to the elastic band ball: 2

Phone calls: 1
Faxy things: 1
Action taken re the above: little

Biscuits eaten: 1
Biscuits to be eaten: 3

My boss has left me a list of 6 (6!) things to be getting on with but they're all sooo boring that I might leave them until tomorrow. There's just me and one other in the office today. She's 24. Small blessing. Don't think I could've faced one of the mature ladies.

All I have to look forward to today is leaving early when I'm not supposed to be.

On the plus side, I'm getting paid for this!

Don't eat a packet of mini eggs, down a litre of lemon and lime juice, then brush your teeth. Seriously, bleugh.

A decidedly uneventful Easter Monday, involving a trip to town with the parental bodies to help dad find a digital camera. Mum's buying him one for his 50th. Entered Argos. I picked out an ideal Sony one in about 5 minutes. We went through every single camera in the catalogue, journeyed next door to check Curry's offerings, checked all the prices, checked the prices of memory cards, the things that come with each one, the merits of every single make vs every single make, went to Jessops, repeated it all again. Then we went back to Argos, and he got the Sony one. Aren't men supposed to buy the first thing they see? Why does he have to be such a girl? Why am I such an impulsive shopper? Why do I always have to be right? Ah, the mysteries of life.

I've just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Very strange. Good, but I couldn't keep up with the imagination and memory sequencies. Plus, I really didn't like Kate Winslet being referred to as Tangerine by Elijah Wood. Creepy little thing.

Would I do it? Would I erase the memories of those that hurt me, even though I'd loved them? Or even those that just pissed me off? Probably. I'm sure I'd regret it, but I wouldn't know that I did, so all would be well.

Last night, while watching The Passion of the Christ, I could see my two Easter eggs out the corner of my eye. I kept flicking between the two. 'Dead man walking. Chocolate eggs. Verrrry bloody dead man walking, in immense pain. Chocolate eggs. Argh, nails, hands, feet. Chocolate eggs. Nope, I really don't see how they have anything to do with this highly misunderstood man on the TV. In fact, I'm inclined not to eat them'. Nowhere is it written that Easter has anything to do with an egg shaped chocolate orange (yes, yes, I'm aware of Pagan rites of Spring, re-birth, fertility, etc, but them's only the eggs part). I don't reckon the big guy died for exquisite dark chocolate eggs decorated with gold leaf, made with the finest forestero beans from the small West African island of Sao Tome. Accompanied by a selection of sophisticated chocolates. From M & S. Of course, I may be wrong.

Anyway, 12 hours later, half of the mini egg egg (and the mini eggs and half the white chocolate mini eggs) have gone. I did only say I was inclined not to eat them.

Back to Hull tomorrow night. I'm not overly thrilled at the thought of going back because a) the move is traumatic for the fish, b) I don't have the internet or a TV in my room *twitch*, and c) all I have in the fridge is a small amount of Utterly Butterly, some mouldy cheese, sweet chilli sauce, garlic puree, and a yoghurt. That does not a meal make. I like mummy's cupboards. They magically replenish themselves overnight.

Now, feeling rather sick and sloshy, I'm going to retire to bed, as I haven't gone to bed pre-midnight for a wee while, and I need to train myself to start getting up for work again, which starts again on Wednesday (extra day's holiday, HA!). Living so close to work, I have to get up at 8pm at the latest. It's a terrible hardship, it really is.

Actually, hmm, bed, or continue plowing through all the Harry Potters until 2am? Not long now, only 102 days *small squeak*. I am SO sad.

You are a PC.
You're practical, thrifty, and able to do almost anything.
Appearances and trends aren't important to you. You just like to get the job done.

Hmph. I'm going to buy a Mac now.

Firstly, to steal from MenoMama...

You Are 80% Gross

You're pretty dirty, and there's a good chance you're living in a total dump.
And your body? Not too clean either. Watch out for killer bacteria, Pig Pen!

Now I take offence at that! Meh, maybe not, they're probably right.

Anyhoo, everybody enjoyed their Easter weekend? My day started with a long lie in, followed by a shower, before watching the Popetastic address whilst eating crumpets, stark naked (until I realised that may not be very respectful and demurely covered myself with two fluffy cushions. I found it quite moving actually, although I don't have any faith myself). Then I went to my nanna and grandad's with the rest of the clan, where I ate too much, drank a whole bottle of wine, and laughed til I almost peed at nanna's offer of some Car Door ice cream. My chocolate haul isn't too bad: Orange Segsations and Mini Eggs easter eggs, and white mini eggs from Thorntons. I've also had a significant amount of the Glorious Easter Cake made yesterday (goodness me, it's good), a Creme Egg, and 5 crisps. Now I feel really, really sick, so now, having watched Spiderman 2, I'm doing the sensible thing and slobbing in front of Channel 4, farting my way through 'Shroud of Christ', the potency of which I fully expect to last into 'The Passion of the Christ'. I haven't seen it before. I'm not sure whether to watch it. Bit, y'know, 'full on' for a Sunday. I find Meerkat Manor tense enough.

Just perused the Postsecret site. I think it's such a wonderful thing. Has anyone sent one off to them? I know I want to, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?

I wrote a really long post on paper yesterday but it doesn't matter anymore. I'll put it in the box with my other random scraps of thought. Suffice to say I feel more confused and lacking in direction than I did when I was 17, and that was a scary time. Does it ever kick in? Do you one day realise that things are actually going in a reasonable direction, and you have a fair idea of what's coming next, and it's actually ok? I'm terrfied this will never happen to me.

The Passion is on. I feel I should watch it. I'm going to make a concious effort not to fart all the way through it.

I have so much to write. It will take so long. I'm writing it by hand and I'll type it tomorrow whilst farting out the excesses of the day.

Normal service will be resumed shortly. In the meantime, do enjoy looking at the stunningly decorated chocolate cake I made this afternoon.

Drool.

Happy Easter one and all.

Everybody par-tay.

Was feeling spritely due to being at home for a week but I'm too cold. I forgot my parents were eskimos that melt if they go near the central heating button. Toes are numb.

On the plus side, I have fluffy slippers, something I lack in Hull, and a steak pie in the fridge for tea, which I didn't have to buy. Rejoice!

Ex Ex is coming round in a little while (anything between when she says she will arrive and up to 4 hours later - 'a wizard is never late, Harry...') and we'll make chit chat until we go to the cinema later.

I have to go see a film with Sandra Bullock in.

I have to pay to go see a film with Sandra Bullock in it.

Send me thoughts of comfort in my hours of despair.

Ta ta.